A series of random electoral missives.
A Love Letter to the Tories
You make me moist.
Not moist in a sexual way of course -
I'm not fucking mad
And besides, you're a married man.
No, I mean the 'I want to cry and wet myself at the same time'
Kind of moist.
You know what I mean.
The kind of moist which oozes out of your every orifice.
Ooh, now that really does make me moist.
A Message to Labour
Oh dear Gordon.
Not looking too sharp, is it?
Best you hole yourself up in a cave in the Highlands
And twitter incoherently until it's all over.
And they give you a life peerage.
And all those lovely speaking engagements come rolling in.
Life's a bitch, eh?
An Ode to the Lib Dems
I don't really know much about you.
But that Vince Cable seems very nice -
Just the kind of mildly irreverent,
Slightly humorous chap we need running the economy.
Every body's favourite mad old uncle.
Shame you're the party leader and not him :(
Another Ode to the Lib Dems
I know a bit more about you now.
Apparently you're almost as popular as Churchill.
How the fuck did that happen?
But I still prefer Vince Cable.
A Limerick for the Greens
Dear Caroline, you really are right-on,
As you scrap for their votes down in Bright-on,
For no-one should mess
With the Green high priestess,
The kind of girl I could excite-on.
A Note to UKIP
Dear whatever the fuck your name is.
I really want a suit just like yours.
So I too can look like an English gentleman.
Instead of a xenophobic twat.
Indistinguishable from all the other xenophobic twats.
Except for the colours of your rosette,
Which I will pin through your face if I get the chance.
Just to teach you a lesson.
A Haiku for the BNP
Dear Nick, I will vote
for your party when Hell free-
-zes over you cunt.
Russell J Turner - April 2010
3 years ago